💀What's ruining your relationship?

The Four Horsemen Toxic Communication Styles and their antidotes🧪

According to research, some negative communication styles can be so damaging that they spell the end of a relationship. John Gottman, an internationally acclaimed relationship expert and best-selling author, refers to these as The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, a metaphor for destructive behaviours that, if left unchecked, predict the end of relationships. This is because each of these erodes the love that is the basis of intimate relationships.

The Four Horsemen of relationships are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling.

Image from The Gottman Institute

💀 Criticism

When you criticize your partner, you are essentially suggesting that they are flawed. You've transferred a conflict between you onto your partner's body. The phrases "You always" and "You never" are frequently used in criticism. The most likely scenario is for your partner to feel attacked and act defensively. This is a risky cycle to fall into since neither party feels heard and both could start to feel self-conscious around the other.

🧪Antidote for Criticism:

• Understand why the person is making a certain request, demand or wish

• Do not attack the person; instead, address the behavior you do not like

• Be specific with your complaint or request (When A happened, I felt B. I want C)

• Respect the person, be polite, and stay assertive.

💀 Defensiveness

You act defensively when you use a countercomplaint to defend yourself from what you perceive to be an attack. Behaving defensively also means behaving like an innocent victim. Unfortunately, defensiveness keeps partners from taking responsibility for problems and escalates negative communication. Even if your partner is criticizing you, defensiveness is not the way to go.

🧪Antidote for Defensiveness

• Accept some responsibility for what your partner is bringing to you. Don’t bat it back.

• Use active listening: Maybe what you heard isn’t what was said. Check out with your partner whether you heard it accurately before you jump into defending yourself.

• Validate your partner by telling them that you understand

• De-arm yourself. Do an introspection to understand where the need to defend coming from.

💀 Contempt

Any verbal or nonverbal action that elevates you above your partner is seen to be showing contempt. Contempt includes mocking your partner, calling them names, rolling your eyes, and sneering in disgust. Contempt is the most serious of the horsemen. The affection and admiration between a couple will be destroyed by these kinds of insults, which couples must understand.

🧪Antidote for Contempt

• Be aware of your thoughts, feelings and behaviors. Find healthy ways to express rather than passive aggressiveness.

• Speak respectfully even when angry, and always check your tone.

• Let go of righteousness or innocent victimization of self.

• Practice warmth with your partner even before the situation escalates. Practice makes perfect.

💀 Stonewalling

Stonewalling is a refusal to communicate or cooperate. When you take evasive action, such as tuning out or distancing, rather than discussing the problems with your partner. Silence, monosyllabic answers, or changing the subject are typical reactions.

While some people try to soothe themselves or the situation by stonewalling, this rarely succeeds because your spouse is likely to think you don't care enough about the issue to discuss it and find it very upsetting to be neglected.

🧪Antidote for Stonewalling

• Look for signs of feeling emotionally drained (i.e. emotional flooding).

• Take time out: Tell your partner you need a break from the conflict discussion. Use statements like 'I need a short break, let's regroup in some time'

• Assure your partner that you will return to the conversation when you’re both ready.

• Do something calming or pleasant during your pause, such as reading a magazine or listening to music. Try inhaling slowly and deeply many times.

• Address your fears and feelings directly to your partner.

When you are motivated to change and committed to doing so, breaking patterns like this is easy. However, if you and your partner are having trouble switching to more loving behaviours to replace The Four Horsemen, consulting a therapist can help you get started using better communication techniques and re-establish intimacy in your relationship.

However, couples therapy is NOT a quick fix. It demands dedication to the therapeutic process and one another, but the effort is worthwhile!

Ruchi Ruuh is a relationship counsellor who helps people form meaningful and secure relationships with themselves and others.