You constantly feel that something is not right. Friends and family have been telling you they are wrong for you, but you keep telling them positive stories. Your thoughts of leaving them recur but stop when you receive an apology.
Everything about the relationship seems to be a quilt stitched with lies, and you don't know what to believe anymore.
You seem to be driving yourself 'crazy' with these ups and downs but just can't leave. This is what a Trauma bonded relationship feels like.
Trauma bonding is the attachment an abused person feels for their abuser, specifically in a relationship with a cyclical pattern of abuse. The bond is created due to a cycle of abuse and positive reinforcement. Trauma-bonded relationships repeat certain stages endlessly and are difficult to break up with as you don't understand what's going to happen next. This rollercoaster of emotions (negative and positive) makes them extremely addictive and hard to quit.
Trauma bonding can happen in intimate as well as platonic relationships, even at work.
A few signs of Trauma bonded relationships are:
When they're affectionate, there's a lot of "Love." It's called love-bombing. This affection doesn't come from their heart but from a need to keep you secured in this toxic dynamic.
The abuse is visible to everyone except you. Your family and friends constantly flag the behaviour, but you don't see it that way. When your partner behaves badly, you defend their actions by taking the blame.
You apologize a lot, especially for things that are not your fault. You apologize to keep the relationship sane and to avoid further conflicts.
Abusers disguise their jealousy and abuse as care. You'll hear statements like, 'I did it because I love you', 'I do this because you need to be protected'. Often, these statements seem empty as you neither feel the love nor feel safe.
There is a great deal of uncertainty in the relationship. You never know what will happen next, so you keep waiting for the next 'high'.
You lose autonomy and agency over basic needs and rights. To please them, you change your lifestyle and habits.
Erosion of self-esteem and confidence to perform daily tasks.
What can you do to help yourself?
Make sure your support system is strong. Find people you trust and can rely on. Take a third-person look at your relationship.
Maintain a journal. Gaslighting is a big part of these relationships, so you need to know that you experienced it, even if they claim it didn't happen. This journal can help you vent and put perspective on what actually happened.
Stick to your narrative and don't apologize without a reason.
Educate yourself about toxic relationships and red flags. Understand what a healthy relationship should feel like
Learn to say No, and understand what healthy boundaries are. Establish these boundaries and reinforce them from time to time.
Focus on yourself. Find a strong purpose. Go out and meet people. Expose yourself to new ideas.
Are some people more prone to Trauma Bonded Abusive relationships?
Yes! Adults with childhood abuse and unresolved trauma are more likely to form such bonds. Children from abusive homes usually seek a place or person to belong to. It's easy for them to get trapped when excessive affection and validation come their way. They try hard to please their abusers as questioning them would mean losing them.
If an adult still shares a trauma-bonded relationship with their caregivers there is a huge chance they will form such relationships with others too. A mix of low self-esteem and fear of abandonment becomes the reason why a lot of people stay trapped in these relationships.
However, even emotionally healthy and confident people fall into these traps. The love-bombing is so personalized and the charm is too high to not get trapped.
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